The UW Oshkosh Department of Journalism announced on April 1 that they are currently looking to hire a new professor and needs students to vote for their favorite candidate.*
Department Chair, Mike Cowling, said the department searched for applicants who are proficient in new and emerging media.
“Communication is constantly changing, and we need someone to keep up with those changes,” Cowling said. “We need someone who knows sites like Facebook and LinkedIn like the back of their hand.”
Journalism professor Sara Steffes Hansen agrees with Cowling, adding that the department has combed the Internet to find the perfect fit for UW Oshkosh.
“We only want people with millions of views on YouTube and thousands of followers on Twitter,” Hansen said. “We only want the best of the best. Our students deserve it.”
The department has now narrowed down their choices to four candidates. After hours of debate, they have decided that students will be responsible for choosing the new professor by voting. Without further suspense, here are your choices for the new professor at UW Oshkosh:
1. Rebecca Black
The hottest singer on YouTube, Rebecca Black is now looking to teach students how to succeed on YouTube without really trying.
“The past two weeks have been too busy for me,” Black said. “I’ve decided that I’m done being a star. I want to give back to the community through education.”
In a creative twist, Black plans on singing during every one of her lectures, a method that allows her to blend all of her passions.
“I love singing, and I love teaching, so this is pretty sweet,” she said. “And tons of stuff rhymes with ‘journalism’… like… hold on…”
2. Bronx Zoo Cobra
One of the newest online celebrities, the Bronx Zoo Cobra is famous for A. Escaping from the Bronx Zoo and B. Creating one of the funniest Twitter accounts in recent memory.
The reptile hatched a plan to escaping from the Bronx Zoo to gain attention and online followers.
“And it worked,” BZC said. “It’s hard to type when you don’t have any appendages, but I managed to do it. And the best part? I’m bigger than Shamu now.”
3. Charlie Sheen
The man, the myth, the tweeter. Besides Sheen’s controversial personal life, he has been getting a lot of online attention for getting more than one million followers on Twitter in about 25 hours. Hansen hopes to utilize Sheen’s marketing knowledge to help students brand themselves, but also help avoid his mistakes.
“He scares me a lot, but I feel there is a lesson here somewhere,” Hansen said. “His teachings would be a sort of what not to do in the media.”
Sheen, who declined to comment, has made many demands if he is chosen to be professor. He wants his office to be on the roof of the new Sage Hall Academic building, fresh tiger blood in the fridge 24/7 (Hansen guesses this means cranberry juice), and the ability to teach class through Twitter from his home.
4. Myspace Tom
Once the biggest name in social media, Myspace Tom has been quiet as of late.
“It has nothing to do with Facebook’s success,” Myspace Tom said. “Myspace is still doing well. Why? What have you heard?”
Myspace Tom not only wants to teach Journalism classes but hopes to incorporate the Radio-TV-Film department as well.
“Yeah, I saw the ‘Social Network’ like everyone else,” Myspace Tom said. “But nobody knows the story about our site. It’s going to be good. It’s going to win about 14 Oscars. And I’m thinking of hiring Mr. Cowling as the star of the movie.”
Cowling refused to comment on his future acting career.
“It’s all speculation,” Cowling said. “And I have enough acting awards. My Golden Globe is now my door stopper.”
After days of debate, the department has asked students to vote for their favorite candidate as the new professor. Please vote below to help shape the future of the Department of Journalism.
*Please note: This post was made on April Fools’ Day. Nothing should be taken seriously. Except for Cowling’s acting skills. He’s a true thespian. Believe it.